Why I stayed...

This is a much more personal post than I am used to writing, but it is something I feel as though I need to write to get past it. 

After some very public abuse allegations a month ago, women everywhere started a "why I stayed" campaign, giving their reasons for staying in an abusive relationship. 

I started thinking of all of the reasons I had stayed in my relationship with my older children's father for five years. 

If I heard him coming up the stairs I immediately wondered what I had done wrong. He called me every name in the book and I thought that so long as I didn't believe it then I wasn't being controlled. Did I think I was a "stupid bitch" or a "stunned cunt"? No, of course not. I was a strong confident woman. 

He blamed me for his behaviour, he told me that if I didn't push his buttons he wouldn't react that way. I knew better, I would confidently say "it's not my fault that you are abusive". 

What I am getting at here is that I am, and always have been, strong, confident and sure of myself. People have this image in their minds of women who get abused and how they must be too weak or have such a low view of themselves that they put up with it. I said all the right things, I told him I wouldn't allow him to speak to me that way,  that he was abusive and I didn't deserve it - but every night I still let him crawl into bed next to me, every fight I accepted his apology, I even posted all over Facebook about how much I loved him. 

Why? 

I stayed because I saw leaving as giving up - admitting defeat. 

I stayed because I wanted the perfect family. 

I stayed because he had me convinced that maybe I was exaggerating. 

I stayed because "all relationships take work"...right? 

I once had to call the police so that I could get out if the house with my infant daughter - he had been screaming and throwing things all morning and I was terrified that he'd hurt me too. 

But I stayed. 

He once told me "maybe if you had gone to the gym more I wouldn't have cheated on you" 

But I stayed. 

He constantly told me that I should quit my job because "wives and mothers who care about their families don't spend all of their time in a bar"

But I stayed. 

He constantly told me that I was lazy and needed to get a full time 9-5 job to pull my weight, that when he met me he thought I was smart, and going places but that he was wrong. 

But I stayed. 

He cheated on me for a total of 8 months - starting when I was pregnant with our son. 

But I stayed. 

On more than one occasion my daughter wiped the tears from my eyes and said "I'm sorry daddy's so mean to you"  she has even insterted herself between us and yelled with conviction "HEY! Stop yelling at my mum!" 

But I stayed. 

I wanted the perfect life, I wanted to perfect family. I didn't want to admit to myself or to anyone else that I had gotten it wrong. I thought that it would just be a weight that I would carry on my shoulders. That as long as he never touched me, or hurt the children then I could just handle it. 

I figured that was just my life - and I was strong enough to handle what it threw my way. 

So why did I leave? 

I left because I imagined a day where I had to wipe the years from my daughter's eyes as she cried the same tears I have been crying. 

I left because I wanted my son to grow up in a home where women were treated with respect, so that he too would respect women. 

Even if he never treated the kids the way he treated me, I was showing them it was acceptable by staying. I don't want them to be part of a relationship like that if their parents. I want them to be happy. 

So I left. 

I still have scars that no one will ever see, I still fear that others will begin to get so aggravated by me, I still wonder if maybe it was my fault. 

But I'm that much closer to freedom. 

Back in perspective: Jax Edition

When I was pregnant with Jax, Charlotte was going through the terrible twos and I was stressed beyond belief. So imagine now how I feel as Jax goes through a similar stage and I'm pregnant with baby number three. 

Juggling the needs of two children, the stresses of pregnancy and regular everyday stresses (why does everything have to cost so much??) is hard, and getting harder with Jax's constant tantrums and defiant attitude. I need to remember that he's not just a pile of screams with "No-s" on top.  So I will do exactly what I did with Charlotte, I will list the top ten things I love about Jax. When I feel that I can't take it anymore, I can simply remember this list and smile. 

1. The way you snuggle 

When I pick you up you melt into me immediately. You put you your head on my shoulder and your arms around my neck and all tension disappears from your body. Not only is it super comfortable but it also makes me feel needed in all the right ways. 

2. Your imagination 

Some days you are a boy, some days you are a girl, some days you crawl into my room panting and telling me that you are a puppy. I indulge everything you say you are because I never want that playful imagination to die. 

3. Your memory

You remember stories and tell me them months later. You can also recite Thomas episodes and teach me about different rainforest animals featured in Diego. It always makes me laugh hearing you say "NO! Cried Thomas" it's so grammatically correct for a two year old. 

4. Your love for your sister

I swear in your eyes Charlotte can do no wrong. You smile at everything she does, laugh hysterically at every joke she makes (despite them not making any sense) and you'll try anything if Charlotte has done it. I'm not sure how your bond with Charlotte will change and grow as time goes on, but right now it's something beautiful. 

5. Your chunky legs

You were a giant baby, you've always been my big guy. Now as you grow older and taller you are thinning out but amazingly you have kept my favourite part - your chunky legs. Seriously they are adorable. I can spend all day tickling them and your laugh is just the icing on the cake. 

6. Your voice

It is the cutest thing I have ever heard. I know it will go through a million changes over the years but right now it just melts my heart - you also seem to have an "accent" with certain words. I have to idea where it came from but I'm not stopping it! 

7. You are helpful. 

All of your imaginary play revolves around someone being in trouble and you needing to save them. You aren't yet into thinking violence is funny or battles you just want to save everyone. I think it's wonderful. 

8. Your appetite. 

It might cost me a lot in the future, and it certainly was tiring as a baby; but I like not having to worry whether you are getting enough to eat. I'm sure you will grow up healthy and strong. 

9. You are indestructible 

I never really have to worry about getting hurt. You seem to be made or rubber, you bounce and nothing seems to really phase you. The best part? Even though you are never really hurt, you ask for kisses from Mommy to make it all better. I of course oblige every single time, one day you may not be asking for my kisses! 

10. You are stealth

As much as the "go to sleep" dance is frustrating I can't help but smile when I come back upstairs from switching over the laundry and you are all tucked into my covers like you belong. Not a peep you're just there - if you were trying to trick me into snuggles, it totally worked shhhhhhh. 

There are many more things I love about my handsome son, most of which can't be put into words. These things will help me survive the next few months and the bond we share will help me through anything.