Competitive moms. It's one of the most addressed subjects on "mommy blogs", shows like The Mom Show and in little gossip circles that seem to form at playgroup. Everyone hates 'em, but we are all just a teeny bit guilty of it sometimes. There is a difference between sharing stories and being competitive, but its a very fine line and one that's too often crossed. People always address the "obvious" ways of competing, one mother is so proud that her little one took his first steps and another just HAS to mention that hers did the same but 2 months earlier. I've noticed that people are trying to squash that behavior and I am seeing it less and less. However there are a couple of other forms of competition that are less obvious, but in my opinion just as annoying.
First you have the "fake interest" response. Saying something generic like "so cute" or "how exciting" and then quickly changing the subject to their own child. Don't be fooled, it's just as annoying. Mothers talk about their children's achievements because they are proud of them, and they are filled with joy. Switching the subject to your own child just takes away from their moment. Why can't you just be happy for them? Save your story for another day. I know that mothers aren't meaning to do this, I know that they are just trying to share in the happiness or add to the conversation but in my opinion, just let them have their moment.
Second you have the negative competition. I have never seen this addressed before and I find it the oddest phenomenon ever. One mother says how tired they are, "LO woke up at 4:30am ready for the day!" and the other says "Ya, mine wakes up at 4:30 like everyday, he is a terrible sleeper." Again this is not as obvious a competition but why can't the first mother just be tired? I feel like when mothers try to 'up the ante' in a conversation they are belittling the others' feelings. This is the one that I experience the most often, mainly because I am always tired. Motherhood is tiring, it is stressful, and it is hard. Your journey doesn't have to be more tiring, more stressful or harder for me to support you, and I ask that you simply support me.
If you are experiencing any form of competition and you want the cycle to stop, here are some tips:
1. Don't get sucked in.
If you are looking for support or for someone to be happy for you, and all you are getting is stories about another child, don't engage, let them have this one. There are plenty of people who will give you the reaction you are looking for. Your parents for one, they probably wish they could just watch your child's whole life on video and would delight in any story you tell.
2. Lead by example
This is the method I am trying out now. As a new parent I wanted to talk about my DD every second of everyday. Now I step back and I think, other mothers want to do it too and who am I to take that away from them? I am making an effort to support my friends and their children. If someone posts a photo of their child, or a status of facebook or introduce the subject in conversation, I am making a conscious effort not to mention mine. Everyone will have a turn, don't think you are somehow diminishing your child's importance.
3. Take people for what they are
If you always find that as soon as you mention anything to a specific person all they want to talk about is their own child or their own life, don't look to that person for support. You only have power over your own actions, don't expect to change the world, continuing to rely on that person for something they will never give you is setting yourself up for disappointment.
4. Address the situation
This one is not for the faint at heart because people get very defensive of their own behavior. If you have a close enough relationship then approach it openly and honestly in private. Remember, if you are asking this of someone else, you'd better refer to tip #2, there is nothing worse than a hypocrite.
5. Write a blog!
Really I just couldn't think of another tip. However, if you feel as though you need an outlet, either to complain about pet peeves or to brag about your child, go for it! Don't put it on facebook where everyone can see, write it somewhere else and only interested parties will read it. Better yet, have a notebook next to your bed and write about all of your feelings or your child's accomplishments. It might be nice for them to read through when they have children of their own.
In conclusion, every parent's child is the most important thing in the world to them. Sometimes, let it just be my kid and I promise to let it just be yours.
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