Why I stayed...

This is a much more personal post than I am used to writing, but it is something I feel as though I need to write to get past it. 

After some very public abuse allegations a month ago, women everywhere started a "why I stayed" campaign, giving their reasons for staying in an abusive relationship. 

I started thinking of all of the reasons I had stayed in my relationship with my older children's father for five years. 

If I heard him coming up the stairs I immediately wondered what I had done wrong. He called me every name in the book and I thought that so long as I didn't believe it then I wasn't being controlled. Did I think I was a "stupid bitch" or a "stunned cunt"? No, of course not. I was a strong confident woman. 

He blamed me for his behaviour, he told me that if I didn't push his buttons he wouldn't react that way. I knew better, I would confidently say "it's not my fault that you are abusive". 

What I am getting at here is that I am, and always have been, strong, confident and sure of myself. People have this image in their minds of women who get abused and how they must be too weak or have such a low view of themselves that they put up with it. I said all the right things, I told him I wouldn't allow him to speak to me that way,  that he was abusive and I didn't deserve it - but every night I still let him crawl into bed next to me, every fight I accepted his apology, I even posted all over Facebook about how much I loved him. 

Why? 

I stayed because I saw leaving as giving up - admitting defeat. 

I stayed because I wanted the perfect family. 

I stayed because he had me convinced that maybe I was exaggerating. 

I stayed because "all relationships take work"...right? 

I once had to call the police so that I could get out if the house with my infant daughter - he had been screaming and throwing things all morning and I was terrified that he'd hurt me too. 

But I stayed. 

He once told me "maybe if you had gone to the gym more I wouldn't have cheated on you" 

But I stayed. 

He constantly told me that I should quit my job because "wives and mothers who care about their families don't spend all of their time in a bar"

But I stayed. 

He constantly told me that I was lazy and needed to get a full time 9-5 job to pull my weight, that when he met me he thought I was smart, and going places but that he was wrong. 

But I stayed. 

He cheated on me for a total of 8 months - starting when I was pregnant with our son. 

But I stayed. 

On more than one occasion my daughter wiped the tears from my eyes and said "I'm sorry daddy's so mean to you"  she has even insterted herself between us and yelled with conviction "HEY! Stop yelling at my mum!" 

But I stayed. 

I wanted the perfect life, I wanted to perfect family. I didn't want to admit to myself or to anyone else that I had gotten it wrong. I thought that it would just be a weight that I would carry on my shoulders. That as long as he never touched me, or hurt the children then I could just handle it. 

I figured that was just my life - and I was strong enough to handle what it threw my way. 

So why did I leave? 

I left because I imagined a day where I had to wipe the years from my daughter's eyes as she cried the same tears I have been crying. 

I left because I wanted my son to grow up in a home where women were treated with respect, so that he too would respect women. 

Even if he never treated the kids the way he treated me, I was showing them it was acceptable by staying. I don't want them to be part of a relationship like that if their parents. I want them to be happy. 

So I left. 

I still have scars that no one will ever see, I still fear that others will begin to get so aggravated by me, I still wonder if maybe it was my fault. 

But I'm that much closer to freedom. 

Back in perspective: Jax Edition

When I was pregnant with Jax, Charlotte was going through the terrible twos and I was stressed beyond belief. So imagine now how I feel as Jax goes through a similar stage and I'm pregnant with baby number three. 

Juggling the needs of two children, the stresses of pregnancy and regular everyday stresses (why does everything have to cost so much??) is hard, and getting harder with Jax's constant tantrums and defiant attitude. I need to remember that he's not just a pile of screams with "No-s" on top.  So I will do exactly what I did with Charlotte, I will list the top ten things I love about Jax. When I feel that I can't take it anymore, I can simply remember this list and smile. 

1. The way you snuggle 

When I pick you up you melt into me immediately. You put you your head on my shoulder and your arms around my neck and all tension disappears from your body. Not only is it super comfortable but it also makes me feel needed in all the right ways. 

2. Your imagination 

Some days you are a boy, some days you are a girl, some days you crawl into my room panting and telling me that you are a puppy. I indulge everything you say you are because I never want that playful imagination to die. 

3. Your memory

You remember stories and tell me them months later. You can also recite Thomas episodes and teach me about different rainforest animals featured in Diego. It always makes me laugh hearing you say "NO! Cried Thomas" it's so grammatically correct for a two year old. 

4. Your love for your sister

I swear in your eyes Charlotte can do no wrong. You smile at everything she does, laugh hysterically at every joke she makes (despite them not making any sense) and you'll try anything if Charlotte has done it. I'm not sure how your bond with Charlotte will change and grow as time goes on, but right now it's something beautiful. 

5. Your chunky legs

You were a giant baby, you've always been my big guy. Now as you grow older and taller you are thinning out but amazingly you have kept my favourite part - your chunky legs. Seriously they are adorable. I can spend all day tickling them and your laugh is just the icing on the cake. 

6. Your voice

It is the cutest thing I have ever heard. I know it will go through a million changes over the years but right now it just melts my heart - you also seem to have an "accent" with certain words. I have to idea where it came from but I'm not stopping it! 

7. You are helpful. 

All of your imaginary play revolves around someone being in trouble and you needing to save them. You aren't yet into thinking violence is funny or battles you just want to save everyone. I think it's wonderful. 

8. Your appetite. 

It might cost me a lot in the future, and it certainly was tiring as a baby; but I like not having to worry whether you are getting enough to eat. I'm sure you will grow up healthy and strong. 

9. You are indestructible 

I never really have to worry about getting hurt. You seem to be made or rubber, you bounce and nothing seems to really phase you. The best part? Even though you are never really hurt, you ask for kisses from Mommy to make it all better. I of course oblige every single time, one day you may not be asking for my kisses! 

10. You are stealth

As much as the "go to sleep" dance is frustrating I can't help but smile when I come back upstairs from switching over the laundry and you are all tucked into my covers like you belong. Not a peep you're just there - if you were trying to trick me into snuggles, it totally worked shhhhhhh. 

There are many more things I love about my handsome son, most of which can't be put into words. These things will help me survive the next few months and the bond we share will help me through anything. 

The Top 5 Things I Want my Son to Know.

Some of you may have already read my previous post "Top 5 Things I Want my Daughter to Know". Well I also have a son. Raising a son on my own is a challenge I had never prepared myself for. While I feel like I understand the challenges and maybe even the feelings that await my daughter as she grows, raising a man is a mystery to me. I come from a family of all girls and I even only witnessed one male cousin grow into manhood. It may be a learning experience, but this is where I start. As my cuddly little boy turns into a man, these are the most important things I want him to take with him.

To my son:
As you grow, these are the top 5 things I'd like you to take with you. I may not always be able to express myself this clearly so please use this as your guide when words escape me.

5. The true meaning of strength.
Everyone wants their son to be strong, but what does strong really mean? I don't care how much weight you can bench or if you can 'take' the biggest guy in the bar. Strength sometimes means having enough control over yourself to not get involved in a fight that will not do anyone any good. It also means being strong enough to defend someone who cannot defend themselves.  It can take a lot of strength to be true to your values amongst peers who are not. The strength of your character far outweighs the strength of yours fists.

4. Respect is not earned - it is simply given.
Respecting others is not a choice. It has nothing to do with what they do for a living, how old they are, how much money they have, what they look like or even if you know them. It has to do with the fact that they are a human being just like you. They are deserving or respect just like you are, and you will treat them as such. Treating others with respect says nothing about them but everything about you. Don't be phased if they do not reciprocate, that is their problem and has no effect on you.

3. There is no shame in being a Mama's Boy.
Maybe I am biased, maybe I dread the day when you no longer what to throw your arms around me every time your eyes meet mine - but loving your mother is not a bad thing. I am the first woman you have ever loved but I know I won't be the last. Showing that you care about the important people in your life will lead to more enriched relationships. Showing love for your mother will help you to become a better son, husband and father - and I believe a better person.

2.  Chivalry is not dead.
I hope that chivalry is not dead because I hope it will still live within you. I'm going to tell you a little secret about your mommy. When I was younger and thinking about the type of guy I would want to be with, I said I wanted to be with a gentleman. It may seem old fashioned, but I wanted someone to treat me differently than he treated his friends, and I suspect that many girls think the same way. Hold open doors, watch your language, offer her your coat with she is cold. She will appreciate it and it will set you apart from many men in today's world. Girls do not need "saving" as the term chivalry would imply. They are perfectly capable of holding their own, making their own choices, and being responsible for their own feelings. I am in no way suggesting that you try to do all of those things for her. You should simply honour her and treat her with honour.

1. I love you.
This one is the same for both you and your sister. I love you with all of my heart. I will love you when you are to embarrassed to kiss me in the school yard. I will love you no matter the type of man you turn out to be. I will always be proud to call you my son. Take these words and do with them whatever you please. Take risks, make mistakes, live, laugh and learn, all the while knowing in the back of your mind that I love you.

The top 5 things I want my daughter to know.

5. The beauty of compassion.

No matter what you look like, some people will find you beautiful and some won't. Outer beauty is subjective and because of that, doesn't really matter. Compassion is beautiful in so many ways. By thinking and feeling what others may feel you will show beauty of the heart. You will see beauty in every day situations and you will bring beauty to others. Compassion will let you see that the world isn't as scary as it seems. When we get down to it, thinking how others are feeling will show you that the bad things in the world are rarely ever done to cause pain to you, but as a cry for help from a wounded human being.

Compassion is the beauty of the heart, of the mind and of the soul, and the best thing is, it is all in your control.

4. You are strong.

You might be physically strong. You might be strong in academics. You might be strong enough to speak for others, or strong enough to speak for what is right. You might simply be strong enough to know your weaknesses but you are strong. Whatever your strength is, find it and cherish it. It will help you through many tough times and multiply immensely.

3. It is not "old-fashioned" to act like a lady.

Maybe the term is old fashioned, because men should be carrying themselves better as well. Carry yourself with class and dignity. Watch your language and your manners. Make choices that you are happy with and you would be proud to stand behind. Treat men and women with respect. Do not get pulled into petty arguments and never, under any circumstances personally attack someone, no matter what they have done to you. There is a huge difference between standing up and tearing down.

2. There is nothing wrong with traditional gender roles.

It is not a "slap in the face" to feminism if you chose to stay at home with your children, or you enjoy cooking a meal for your partner every night. It is also just fine if you want a career, to reach certain financial goals that single income families may not be able to reach, or even to be the sole breadwinner in the family. Women throughout history have fought for us to have rights - an one of those rights should be what sort of role we want to take within our own lives and our own families.

1. I love you.

This is by far the most important because even if you don't listen to anything else I've said, know that I love you. I'll love you even if you are acting without compassion, even when you think you are weak, even when you are unsure of the role you wish to play; through it all - I will love you. If you are sure about anything from now until forever, be sure of that.

Bottle VS Breast.....yes, it needs to be said again.

People talk about the breast vs bottle debate all the time. How formula feeding mothers are vilified and made to feel guilty for choosing a different way to feed their babies. Here's the thing, I am over here on the breastfeeding moms side and my story NEVER gets told.

Everyone knows that breastmilk is the best food that you can give your baby - science and doctors around the world are with me on that one. Many mothers and families choose to formula feed and that's fine. They came to that decision on their own and obviously considered all of the pros and cons for  their family. I will never tell a formula feeding mother what she is doing is wrong or she is damaging her baby, it is just not my place as I am not living her life or raising her children. Choices are based on individual experience and I am a separate individual.

Here's my problem, we spend so much time concentrating on how "it's ok to formula feed" and "it's not a failure" - which are both true statements - but no one is allowed to say "just keep at it" or "ask for help if you need it" or tell pregnant women or new mothers how wonderful breastfeeding can be once you get past 'the hump'.

I am a part of many moms groups on facebook and always try to chime in with advice when a mother is having problems nursing her baby. I am trying to offer her support because remember - she CHOSE breastfeeding, she is asking for help so that she can KEEP CHOOSING breastfeeding. Yet out of the woodwork come all of these formula feeding mums talking about how hard breastfeeding was for them and how quitting was the best thing they ever did. Suddenly, my comments are seen as pushy and insensitive when I was just trying to offer the advice the mother was looking for.

Now how would all of these same formula feeding moms feel if I went and told a formula feeding mom how wonderful breastfeeding is and offered them tips on how to re-lactate and quit the bottle? Again, I would be seen as judging them, pushy and insensitive. The post would ignite with formula feeding moms joining together and my voice would of course get lost.  (I would never do that anyway, because it isn't my place, but the 'vice versa' situation happens EVERY DAY)

What people need to realize is that the effort to normalize breastfeeding hasn't even really begun - it keeps getting sidelined by mothers who made a different choice ASSUMING that we as breastfeeders think is wrong. Formula feeders think that they are being attacked? Have you ever been asked to leave a public area for feeding your child? Do you have photos of your child drinking a bottle getting removed off of facebook?

I am also not a fan of the 'excuses'  because they are so unnecessary!
"I did it so I could get some sleep"
"I did it so dad could bond with baby too"

Guess what, I want sleep too! and dad bonds with baby every night by bathing him, putting lotion on him and snuggling him at night. I have found a way to sleep and continue to nurse just as many nursing mothers have. Your choice was just that YOUR choice, you don't NEED to justify it to me or anyone.Just be happy with it like I am happy with mine!

As a breastfeeder it often seems like I am not allowed to have a voice, like my choice to feed my child should be taboo, not seen OR heard and the longer I keep at it the more quiet I should be.

I thought formula feeders wanted equality but if that's what they want then they already have it.  All I want is equality - if you are allowed to share your experiences with breastfeeding good or bad then I am allowed to do the same. I am not rubbing it in your face that I am still breastfeeding, those are your own thoughts and feelings clouding your perception of my message. I feel like it has gone too far the other way, in our effort to save the feelings of one side, we are hurting the other.

Remember that it is a mother's choice how to feed her own baby. Maybe we should offer nothing but encouragement in the choice they've made, then if they decide to change, offer nothing but encouragement there....doesn't that make sense?  If a mother is experiencing problems breastfeeding - help her overcome those problems and let her know she is not alone. If she decides she'd rather bottlefeed THEN you can talk about how you came to the same decision and how she is not alone.




As in all of my posts, I base my writing on personal experience and perception. Of course I use some generalizations because everyone is different. Some are not able to produce, some pump, some do both formula and breastmilk - all are great ways to feed baby!

War on Christmas - My Open Letter to Whiney Christians

First off, I am not lumping all Christians together, this note is just for the whiney ones. The ones filling my facebook with claims of a "war on Christmas" and how they no longer have freedom of religion. 

So you say there is a war on Christmas is there? You can't say Merry Christmas or Christmas tree anymore? hmmm Well first I ask who the heck is stopping you? We have a little thing here in Canada called freedom of speech an NOBODY is stopping you from saying anything.

And while you were shouting from the rooftops that Christmas was being pushed to the underground and how unfair it is that other religions get special priviledges and you get nothing. Last I checked Christmas was EVERYWHERE! There is a Santa in every mall, there is an entire radio station dedicated to Christmas music, all of your favorite shows are having Christmas episodes, Timmies had candy cane flavored coffee, Hot 89.9 wants you to donate food for the safe return of rudolph. I ask you where the spotlight on Hannukah is? or Eid? or Kwanzaa? or ANY other religion besides Christianity?

So what? A store puts up a sign that says "Happy Holidays" and that somehow infringes on your right to practice religion?

I am so sick of seeing facebook statuses about "being a proud Canadian and proud of our tradtions" since when has the country that is known for it's diversity and freedoms had only Christian traditions? "go back to where you came from" that's pretty much the most un-Canadian thing you can say. If you find it sa "crazy" and "ridiculous" that someone could be offended by you saying "Merry Christmas" why are you so offended by "Happy Holidays?"

Yes, it is STUPID to call it a Holiday tree as I don't think any other holiday uses a decorated evergreen as a symbol of the festivities. But saying Happy Holidays is about INCLUSION! If you don't want to say it fine, say Merry Christmas, no one cares that much.

So remember, you live in Canada, you have the right to speak as you please and celebrate as you please, but it is NOT within those rights and freedoms to have OTHERS speak and celebrate the same way. No one is stopping you from celebrating Christmas, it is even still dominating the mainstream even though I am almost certain we are no longer the majority.  Now stop whining and get on with the festivities.

My circumcision decision.

Before reading this, please note it is not meant to stir up controversy. This is my thought process when I was doing research and considering the options while pregnant with my son. If you came to a different decision it is none of my concern. People gave me all sorts of reasons why they made whatever choice they did and I respect that. You made your choice based on the values that were important to you, this was me sorting out what's important to me.  If you feel as though you might be offended please do not read this post as this is not intended to spark debate, just trying to provide information I discovered along my journey.


So the first step in my research was to ask around. I asked mothers of boys what they did. I found that most mothers I asked kept their boys intact stating "there is just no point". Those that chose to circumcise gave mostly the same reasons. I have listed them below, along with my research regarding them.

1. He should look like his dad.

When I heard this I was a little confused. Why? Why does he need to look like his dad? Personally I don't know what my dad's penis looks like and neither does my husband. Besides that, his dad's penis will be much larger and probably have hair surrounding it. Thats probably the difference my son will notice, not the foreskin. If you can explain the hair, you can explain why he has a foreskin. I have never been in the situation, but I would imagine my sons reaction wouldn't be "I want a piece of my penis cut off too!" it would more likely be "poor daddy." Besides that, my husband is never home, so I will be the one potty training him, and heaven knows my parts don't look anything like his!

2. Doctors recommend it

My doctor doesn't. So I asked her about it. She says that some doctors are behind the times and are not up to date in their research. In fact they are going against their own medical associations by doing that and could face troubles with their license. No medical association in the world recommends routine infant circumcision. According to the Canadian Pediatric society, the risks and costs involved in the process is greater than any risk associated with leaving baby boys intact.

Here is the link to the Canadian Pediatric Society report on the subject.

3. It's easier to take care of

Another thing I had to look into having never had a penis before! The proper way to clean an intact penis? Wipe it off like you would a finger. How is doing nothing harder?? I would imagine that wiping it off is actually much easier than the gauze and vaseline procedure that comes along with post-procedure diaper changes.

4. It's cleaner

Another one I had to look into! I discovered that the foreskin is there to protect the glans (which is the internal part of the genitalia in both males and females) which is very important especially in the diaper wearing years. My doctor informed me that until the foreskin retracts on its own (which can occur any time between age 5 and puberty) it should not be touched, it is basically a self cleaning device much like the female's vagina. (Thats why it is never recommended to use a douche)

5. It protects against STDs.

You know what else protects against STDs? CONDOMS! and every male should be wearing one circumcised or not! In my research the higher incidence of STDs was minimal but it was there. To me I don't think surgery as an infant should replace talking to your kids about safe sex.

6. It looks better/women prefer it

How do we as parents know what our children's sexual partners will prefer? And since one of the functions of the foreskin is to reach the female's g-spot I'd imagine that female wouldn't mind it. Did you know that the risk or erectile dysfunction is 4.5 times higher in circumcised males?? The most sensitive part of their penis is constantly exposed to stimuli and therefore loses sensation. As far as looks go, the difference is only apparent when the penis is flaccid. When erection occurs the foreskin retracts and all the penises look the same (well, the circumcised one might be a little more veiny...and sometimes crooked) Besides that - since when do we preform procedures on our children just for them to "look better"? Baby cosmetic surgery? it's just a weird idea to me.

9. It's better to do it as babies because it won't hurt as much

This one I had to go to my aunt about. She is a child pain specialist in the UK. She laughed when I asked her. Hurts less? It's excruciating! After studying brain patterns during procedures she doesn't understand why anyone would think that. Remember, that baby is TINY. He can't take pain killers, they use a light topical anesthetic and snip away. If the man chooses to get it done as an adult he can have pain killers for the procedure and the recovery - seems a little more fair to me.

10, It's a family decision

This is usually the polite way for people to say "I don't want to talk about it" which is fine, they don't have to. But I asked myself = why is it a family decision. Why is it not HIS decision. I would be a little upset if my family got together and decided something so permanent about MY body without consulting me. If it was medically necessary THEN I would understand that the parents have to make a choice, but it isn't so I don't get it.

11. (I really wish I had only 10 but this is the last one I swear) It's the norm.

Maybe when we were babies it was the norm in Canada but the truth it it isn't even close. Did you know that the worldwide rate in 2006 was below 10%?? and that fewer than 14% of male neonates were circumcised in Canada in 2003?

Did you know that that same list of reasons is why female circumcision (or as you might know it "genital mutilation") is practiced in countries like Africa? (remember when we were all up in arms about that?)

After I answered all of those questions in my head I had learned WAY more than just those answers. Stuff that I am not sure most people realize.

Did you know that circumcision effects the child's ability to breastfeed?

Did you know that 117 babies DIE as a result of circumcision in the US every year? Thats more than car accidents, second hand smoke and SIDS.

Did you know that infections that occur BECAUSE of circumcision are at a higher rate than the ones they supposedly prevent?

The list of risks associated with circumcision is much longer than the "risk" of keeping them intact.

Well its obvious the choice I made and I hope that if any one else is faced with the decision they do as much research into it as I did.

Thank you for your time.